I am in a difficult and scary space right now as I try to understand myself. I moved and left everything that I know behind. All the comforts of home, my yoga family, my gym family, my friends and my studio. I have moments of sheer panic when I dwell on all that I left behind. The familiar and safe surroundings and the comfort of my teaching jobs. I have moments of deep sadness when I think of all of my friends and family back home.
But then a light shines and I am reminded of what I have gained by moving.
- I no longer have to worry about snow, ice and getting to work.
- I no longer have to be on a set schedule. I can make my own schedule. ( surprisingly this is really hard for me!)
- I literally live next to a lake!
- I have gyms, grocery stores, Starbucks, gas stations, pharmacies and my bank all within 15 minutes of my home.
- I have my “sister” close by and we have been spending time together. ( which has been amazing)
- I have more time with my husband to explore and go on adventures.
- I live closer to my son.
I realized I am facing the fear of not working. Of not teaching. Now that I have all this free time I am struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Who am I if I do not teach? I feel like a limb has been cut off of me and I am having phantom pains. Flashes of what it was like when I was teaching. It’s not for a lack of trying. I have put myself out there thinking someone would want me to teach for them. But so far I have had a couple of heartbreaking let downs and no luck finding a job. So I passed out my resume and business cards with an air of desperation. Only to be told, “we have no openings”. I have not even been asked to audition ( which is normal for my field). I feel like I am not being ‘seen” and it has been soul crushing.
But then something shifted inside me….
I realized how much of a workaholic I am. I use work to fill me up and I have become completely dependent on it.
A couple of days ago I told myself to stop all this nonsense. To just stop pushing. Why is it so bad to not be working? I realized I have been working so much and so hard for so long that I feel “less than” when I am not working. Like there is some magical formula that makes me a better person for working. I am afraid to see myself without my coat of teaching.
Whoa, wait! Wasn’t I just complaining that no one up here will “see” me for who I am?
I have always recognized the light in people around me. So much so that I let my own light become dim. Fear has hidden my own light from myself. It’s time for me to turn the light on and not be afraid. To look at myself beyond being a teacher. To let go of my fear of the unknown and embrace it.
- I took the plunge and joined a gym. ( I have not paid for gym membership in 25 years! LOL!) I start with a trainer next week. They were doing a promotion and I got 4 training sessions for free!
- I tried new nail person and liked her work. She does silk wrapping and is across the street from the gym I joined.
- I tried a new hair stylist and had my hair cut and colored. It turned out great. This was very scary LOL!
- I have been exploring yoga studios and trying new classes. The yoga up here is very different than what I am used to. But I am opening up to it and allowing myself to pick and choose the kind of yoga I prefer.
- I am becoming familiar with the streets and how to get around town. I am actually using my GPS less!
The light in me shines bright as I recognize the light that shines bright in you.
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